i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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