I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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