god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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