wake up i wanna do it froggy style
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
