Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
