Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
