i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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