i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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