Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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