i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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