if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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