I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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