Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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