just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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