I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
