On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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