I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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