My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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