he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
