God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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