I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
