What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
