I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
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I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
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Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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