I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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