I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
