i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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