I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
