Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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