Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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