he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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