Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
