fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
