you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
