my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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