he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
