I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
