Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
