i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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