Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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