did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
