all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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