i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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