if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
