The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
