God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
