Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
