Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
