Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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