you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
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Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
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I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down