I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
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Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
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He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good