I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
