Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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