My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
