U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
birth control should be required to get into college
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
