the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
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The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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