Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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