why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
